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| ISSUE NO. 699 |
| AS OUR ATTENTIONS CONTINUE TO BE HELD BY GRIEF . . . I find myself thinking about a podcast interview I listened to last fall, with the writer Malkia Devich-Cyril. I was struck by how their work was not diverted or distracted by the grief of being widowed from their partner...it was focused and deepened. Part of Devich-Cyril's current work is "to transform the public narrative on grief and equity in America." It was the 'work' part of their conversation on the Emergent Strategy podcast that struck me so forcefully. "Do you know how many people lost their jobs due to grief?" they asked. And in that question I saw my own inner world, transformed by grief many times over, but never managing to transform my outer self in a way that would alert people to what I was going through. It almost seemed, in my deepest grief, like I would prefer for my skin to turn blue, or a large animal to perch on my shoulder, or a brightly colored aura to shine out from me for all to see. Like something that bizarre or silly would be preferable to the intense discord of being so changed, without anything to 'show' for it. When Devich-Cyril participated in a grief group, they noticed that almost half the participants had lost their jobs - because they were unable to show up to work, because their grief manifested in anger or conflict at work, because grief revived their substance abuse. I was particularly struck by the issue of anger, because it's the kind of thing that is so often present at work, but only tolerated under certain conditions (i.e. when certain people wield it and are viewed as powerful leaders, and others wield it and are seen as irreparably problematic). Anger is often more visible than grief, and it can take the blame or be used as scapegoat, but grief doesn't do that so well on its own. People tend to want to avoid a grieving person. One of the mistakes in that response is that grief remains an alienating force...but not by its nature. I believe - and I think Devich-Cyril's work is just one example of proof - that grief is by nature an experience and expression of love. The kind of thing that can and should breed connection, rather than alienation. And the other mistake is that grief can manifest in anger, and only then is it made more visible, but the connection between grief and anger will continue to go un-investigated. We will continue, as a society, to uphold certain standards around who is allowed to be angry, and what grief is allowed to look like. We will continue to define 'professionalism' by a narrow margin, and one that Devich-Cyril identified so beautifully when they said, "Professionalism denies intimacy by its very nature…because intimacy is how you build trust and trust is how you build relationships and relationships are what will win the day." I'm left wondering, how can we improve our relationship to others by improving our relationship to grief? How can we deepen those connections, rather than look away from them? If you are currently or have been an employer, what are some ways you have addressed grief in the work environment, or wished you had? If you are currently or have been an employee, how have you seen organizations - big or tiny - connect through grief, or how do you wish they had? We'd love to hear from you. Last week I finished Prentiss Hemphill's wonderful book, What It Takes to Heal, and from my copious notes I'm reminded of this gem: “Over time, I have come to understand that social transformation (the push for more just systems and policies) and personal transformation (healing our own trauma and reshaping our relationships) have to happen together. Not one or the other, but both. We neglect ourselves or our growth in our rush to change what is external. When we do, we fracture, and succumb to what we are unwilling to face.” This is the heart work that grief, among other things, can call us to, if we are willing to listen. I was moved to see that, toward the end of the book, Hemphill also quoted Devich-Cyril, who wrote: “Joy is not the opposite of grief. Grief is the opposite of indifference. Grief is an evolutionary indicator of love – the kind of great love that guides revolutionaries.” Hemphill finished by saying, "Love is extraordinarily powerful, even in death.” We are all in these cycles together. In community, photo by Sophia Piña-McMahon |
tidbits...resources on anti-racism, environmentalism and food culture AKA stuff we're reading / listening to / watching / noticing / thinking about / captivated by this Tuesday . . . |
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